Are destructive relationship patterns stopping you from meeting your soul mate?

Repeating the same patterns will keep you stuck in a relationship rut.  Do
any of the below statements ring true with you?

• I attract relationships with partners who are unavailable
• (married/already taken, living far away, emotionally unattached,
• workaholics)
• I attract relationships with partners primarily for their good looks
• I attract relationships with partners who are "commitmentphobes"
• I attract relationships with partners who are emotionally and mentally
• dominant and abuse me psychologically or physically
• I attract relationships with partners who don't make me feel special
• I attract relationships with partners who reject me after a short period
• of time
• I attract relationships with partners who are more like friends and who
• there is little sexual chemistry with
• I attract relationships with partners who are moody and keep their
• feelings to themselves
• I attract relationships with partners who are great in bed but with whom
• I have little in common outside of the bedroom
• I attract relationships which are okay and functional but lack any spark
• I attract relationships with partners who are needy and who I have to
• take care of
• I fall in love with a partner's potential which never comes to fruition
• while they are with me

If you do identify with any of the statements, destructive patterns are stopping you from having the relationship you deserve.

How do you overcome destructive relationship patterns?
The first step to overcoming any relationship pattern is to recognise and
acknowledge your patterns.  If you didn't identify with any of the statements above, you can do the following exercise to help you understand what they might be:

• List the names of each partner you’ve had a significant relationship
• with/been emotionally attached to
• After each person’s name, make a list of their most negative traits,
• the parts you dislike most
• Read over the lists and circle any words/traits that seem to repeat
• themselves from one person to another
• Are there any patterns?  Have the partners got better or worse?

Why do you keep repeating these patterns?
The main reason we repeat relationship patterns is because we feel comfortable with familiar experiences whether they are positive or negative.  Our relationship patterns are formed at a very early age from observing how our parents relate to us and each other.  These patterns can become so entrenched and habitual that we don't realise we are repeating
them.

One of my most destructive relationship patterns was attracting "unavailable" men. They were either in relationships, lived abroad, unable to engage emotionally or "married" to their careers.  When I was growing up my mother had been emotionally unavailable to me so I learnt that love was about being unavailable.  When I met partners who were unavailable in some way, it felt familiar and comfortable, even though it didn't ultimately make me happy.

How do you break these patterns?
Once you have identified and admitted your relationship patterns and understood why you are repeating them, you need to create a new definition
of a healthy relationship which will make you happy.  If you are attracting destructive relationships you probably don't keep many examples of good
relationships top of mind.  Your first step is to look out for and observe
healthy relationships which demonstrate the opposite behaviour to your
destructive relationship pattern.  For example, observe a relationship
where the couple are emotionally available to each other if you attract
unavailable types.

Build your self esteem
The next step is to prove to yourself that you deserve your new definition
of a healthy relationship.  If you have been repeating a destructive
pattern, your self esteem will be at a pretty low ebb so it's time to build
it back up again.  There are many ways to build your self esteem and you
will need to work on this continuously.

Say no!
The final step in breaking down relationship patterns is to say no to any
potential partners who show signs of any of your destructive relationship
patterns.  You need to be very honest with yourself at this point and avoid
the temptation of being drawn in by charm and feelings of familiarity.

Finally
It can be a difficult process to overcome relationship patterns by
yourself so it can be helpful to enlist the help of friends or email me candy@essencial.co.uk about coaching to help you get over these patterns for good.